Who is in my head? This isn’t a question regarding “insanity”, but more of perception. Even further... who am I? Who is making the decisions in my life? I would like to think it’s me, but I don’t really think it is. All of the influences in my life that that have lead me to my life’s perceptions were being formed by others. How do I know which religion fits me best? How do I know which political party to go with? How do I really know if the system is out to fuck us or not? Are people lying to me? I don’t trust the government. I don’t trust anyone. There is no god. This could also be a belief as simple as “I don’t trust________” and you fill in the blank. All of these have been thoughts at one time or another for me. I think that those that have influence over me throughout my life are in fact partially responsible for my core beliefs, opinions, and judgements. I have written about this a few times before and wanted to look at this a little deeper. If I could see things stripped of all judgements and opinions what would I see? And would things in “life” still occur the same way they do now?
Without some of these beliefs, would I be as motivated in areas such as love or money? In both I perceive good and bad “judgement”. My personal judgement of good and bad may be skewed as well.
Things that are good, or the things in life I identify as bad are moments in my life that are extreme in both ends of the spectrum. Or they are occurrences that left an impression. These impressions helped sculpt my behaviors that now are identified as good or bad to either protect (or sometimes anesthetize) the result of my interpretations of these beliefs. For me, these opposite extremes of belief have led me to many purposes in my life as well as many heart breaks. Beliefs about loneliness, love, and war, are all my interpretations of words based on beliefs that I have inherited either through community or self. Is any of this between my ears real? Were they manifested in or outside of my mind? They have been essential for my survival as well as the cause for my demise on many occasions.
So, who is in my head? I am a sum total of all of the influences in my life all the way back to the beginning. Those whom I have trusted listened to, and have invited into my life. It makes me wonder if there really is one original thought or idea... I tend to think that all I have in this existence is simply borrowed from the universe.
All of the messages in the spiritual realm have the same message just regurgitated or reworded. They all points to the same direction: looking inward understanding One’s self and the interpretation of self.
So again, I ask, “Who am I?” I realize some of these limiting beliefs are the opportunity to collapse them through realization, acknowledgement, and exposing them for what they are. Then I can identify, where they come from.
“I respect your faith but doubt will give you an education” ~Wilson Misner
Doubting whether these beliefs are true takes long periods of self-examination. There is a process I use that we can go into later. However, let me leave you with this. Imagine playing a game of tennis. As you hit the ball coming toward you with all of your effort, it skips off the top of the net into your opponents area. Then he loads his backhand and hits the ball with tremendous force back to you. Now, what is your experience of the ball or the racquet? Can you be the ball as it is being hit, or the racquet as it strikes the ball? Can you experience pain, sadness, or rejection being hit away to somewhere else?
What beliefs were made up about the ball, racquet, or the game (win or lose)?
Who told you this action was even tennis? First, there had to be a shape of a ball then someone had to name it, and so on.. Sometimes our beliefs are playing a game of hide and seek; they are hidden. By exposing them, there is a way to leave them powerless that will lead to a new understanding of your self. This place of no interpretation or empty space can take something called catastrophe to something that just happened, as well as something like happiness from an occurrence. This provides a space for new interpretation.
These beliefs in my own life have lead to some very extreme and painful places, however they have also lead to some very beautiful ones.
Buddhism for me is doubting and questioning everything beliefs, life and even Buddhism itself. Not knowing that I have a choice in my beliefs is the most painful place for me, it’s life on autopilot and I’m along for the ride.